I WANT TO BECOME A BETTER MOTHER!

 THERAPY IS THE PROCESS: I WANT TO BECOME A BETTER MOTHER BLOG

03/01/2023 

Ok, so I am ready to go visual and do less audio? No! 

I think I need to keep doing even more audio, and also do about the same amount and probably more visuals film, and video type stuff. But, before I get into that…because I am still not quite ready, I thought let me lay down more back ground it may make easier for me to understand where I need to go as I heal if I can just come clean about my darkest parental demons, as it were! 

With all due respect I acknowledge I am by no means talking about worse case scenario at all, we are very blessed. Question, why does anyone ever get to that stage at all?

Dear God 

Where do I start I have so many? 

Having damaged my babies brain during an accident where I did not realise I had not had a good grip of her, she slips through my hands and on to the floor. To say I was and have been terrified ever since is an understatement. Those fairground rides that have you gripping on to anything is still not close to what I felt. But, admittedly as time went on I calmed down without forgetting the damaged which occurred. 

It was a case of knowing something was going to be a bit wrong, but thankfully more went better than it went worse. The challenges, I realised but did not know how to cope with was communication. All communication as my daughter grew seemed to be too much or completely overwhelming. 

This sadden me deeply. I am not going to lie it was really hard and difficult to know if I had guided her well enough? Did she have enough boundaries? Because of course I am also damaged in a same and similar way because almost the same and similar thing happened to me, and anyway in the rough and tumble of any Childs daily life accidents happen, and a similar type of reaction occurs, and all to often goes unnoticed, and recognised as having the power to change our children ability to respond to us as parents, and possibly in life. Though in a lot of cases our children have seen through our worries, and cannot wait to get on and away from us just to have a breather. If you are luckier enough and have done the job being told you have given me enough. 

Everybody who learns 

Learns twice 

First by the way they are taught which is often fact fused with understanding 

Then, by how they adapt what they are taught through their own capacity, and understanding 

My worry was too full on 

After reaching in the stage of Motherhood where I no longer had an dependant child my worry was dating 

Whilst I had no set ideas about who 

I was quite liberal I felt in my understanding 

After being stalked again which left my own ability to communicate changed 

My anxiety went into white knuckle ride mode over who my daughter might meet, and did meet 

I never wanted to be up in her business I was still with enough to understand the space I needed always 

But what do you do when something is haunting and eating away at you that something is not right 

A triangulation of sorts 

I felt like had I never become a lorry driver my daughter may have met who she had met 

Trying to let go and letting her find her own way which I eventually had to do is a difficulty I cannot fully explain 

When studying Brain Health courtesy of Amen Clinics I learnt about the area of the Brain known as the Prefrontal Cortex area of the brain where decisions are made. Within that study I learnt about how in early child development what parents actually do is act as decision makers for our children, so we act as the prefrontal cortex area of the brain. 

Suspicion and Paranoia seemed to take over my nervous system, my aura, my atmosphere. I was absolutely worn about with this something is not ok  whilst negotiating you do not know why. 

What I did not understand was how to identify what that off feeling meant within in my own body that miraculously was a connection to my daughter just going through life as naturally, and normally as can be gratefully and thankfully expected going through what she had to just to learn, her own life love lessons. 

But, boy was that painful. I felt like I was continually living in a continual cold shower for years worn out by every pang of fear, and of course like a typical bad mama jammer. I ram that girls ears with so much fussing and cussing. Then, with as many apologies, because I knew I was wearing her out. Because I had to learn, and my cut off from my Mother was completely brutal, and I never actually let her in, and we eventually never made peace, understandably she had hurt me, and I in turn hurt her unintentionally as I needed to overcome all of that. 

Is my fear over? 

No, absolutely not 

As a Mother going through everything for the first time first impacts are so hard, and took for me to be healing through this writing to really learn even years after cutting the umbilical chord, that whether you believe in God, Love, Freedom or Science there is thankfully a connection that remains, which needs to be constantly very well maintained. 

The connection goes both ways. The affect being attacked just for working has had on me is something which can equally oppress your loved ones whether they are experiencing the same experience the way you are or not. 

From 2003-2007, everything about career etc just began to become sick. But, all I was grateful for was I was making money. There was a horribly moment that I could not understand why just a simple conversation with someone at work of all places would be making me feel forced to cry? Unbeknownst to me why, I can only describe as a way that literally felt like physically being broken down, and weakened to longer be able to respond the way you naturally would, why would anyone need anyone to be that way? Something was being practiced. 

A nagging feeling evolved from that time on of a feeling of someone who looked and decided at a person who they were going to definitely target, and I will admit that felt like us. 

It is a feeling of harassment that has not quite left. That feeling of someone or a group or institution of people being led to target or use you for whatever is something beyond intimidating even if view supposedly  positive by those doing it. 

Getting up, and having to start again in such circumstance over and over again takes it toll, and cost a lot and quite frankly very unfair, if true. 

However, I remain grateful for the strength to shed. I just want to get much better at my life, not transferring burdens to my daughters life. 

And, I do not believe I am alone in that at all. All too often parents can see around the corner due to having done it before, or made the same mistakes before. It is an excruciating wait at times for your child to learn a lesson but by hell or God there are just somethings in life regardless who you are you cannot teach anyone! 

Parenthood! 

Do you still want to do it? 

It is the most beautiful and rewarding journey you could ever have as far as I am concerned. Filled with the most amazing surprises, and delights not to mention the many jokes and heartfelt lessons which emerge day from moment to moment. 

In love, and completely blessed as we all are 

Thank You for Visiting Natural Flowism Studios 

Where Therapy is the Process! 

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