How do you deal with the Relentless Internal Questions or Conversations if you are the Abused still Under an Abuser?

The fear of seeing the truth?

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It can be so difficult to fully say what you want to say. There maybe a variety of reasons why your brain may not fully function that way.

How many times have you left a gathering or been at a gathering feeling half cut, left for dead, mind, brain, and body drained and left feeling impossible to replenish due to all the wicked things which have been said. There maybe various reasons why other peoples brains has that type of effect on your brain. 

"Loved" they said

"They love you" they said but they have racked your head

Almost left you for dead

They've had their say 

But you had no true way of sharing or relating to what they had to say.

You have left their conversation with so much more on your mind to say than before you went to that gathering but there is nobody left to listen to you,  or care about how you are going to process all your innermost thoughts, feelings, or state of being. You feel alone even though you have responsibility, family, marriage, singlehoodism, committment, a room, a town, a society full of people you are a part of but this experiences due to connections with others leaves you unable to fully express your own feelings. Fully and possibly Truly.

This all leaves you empty with a mouth and mind filled with things unexpressed.

Frustrating or arrested communication can feel like carrying mountain upstairs upside down and backwards! But the truth is most of the things we would like to say are not always meant for everyone elses ears. So, what do we do with all those left over feelings or need  for expression especially if you are not much of a writer, singer, or performer? Have no budget for a  Psychiatrist or Therapist? What do you do if you feel that you have nothing else to express yourself with? Or do not have the full bodily ablement to use the things most people express themselves with?

Hmmm....the truth is when it comes to the last question I do not really know...which is crap! Life does have a way of compensating one area of your life with another if something has been taken away from you many other instincts and intuitions pop up and can become much stronger as a natural compensation which works in combination of effort, realisation, will power, and lot of other miracles.

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There was a time in my childhood when I remember my late Mother being very charitable toward people, artists, who against and despite injury, damage, and all the odds including loss of limb still managed to manage life very well, with or without must assistance. My Mother's Mother I think either passed away during the very early part of my life, or just as I was born! My GrandMother, Mums Mum was a wheelchair user due to loosing part of one leg. Even in her pictures I could see she was a force to be reckoned with even before I would sit for hours listening to the hell she had put my Mother through!

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Though having a conversation, or conversations it is not the hardest thing in life to do. It can be among the hardest things to achieve and complete properly in a way that is nourishing for you, and for everybody else around you.

One of my biggest life lessons!

I have lived with ongoing patterns of abuse my whole life. Many of us have. Sexually abused as a baby, incestually raped as a child. The lasting effects on almost every area of my life is something I can still recognise to this day.. Lashing out, speaking up, being disciplined, the responsibility to discipline, , find nurturing, be nourishing, finding a path way to be honest and true, nurturing, giving guidance without being overwhelming or abusive whilst trying to deal with real issues to improve relationships in times of crisis, or whilst tryung to avoid possible dangers without impinging on the right and need for freedom of the next person is a mind boggling cruncher especially when negotiating varying degrees of assualt. Especially, if an abuser is using a two tier or more assualt system! Which may be due to the unseen but far reaching affects of what may be considered as acceptable forms of injury.

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Against my will and sometimes by the force of just life itself, and other people. I have been forced to be educated in the varying uses of abuses and the "forces" abuse uses. The subtle use of force few can see being used, and the all out public seeped out from in private abuses carried out but not limited to taking place infront of others. Humiliations in varying forms, subtle and otherwise! It has just occurred to me to investigate this word called force? Within the word force is "for" to break the entire word down even further the prounciation at the end of the word "for" on its own is "ce" that just made me think something this word to me at least can sound like a phrase "for see" what if when I am being, or feel like I am being "forced" I begin to think what hadn't I seen? Would that be a safe or sensible thought process to use? Or is it wiser for me to enquire of myself what do I need to see, be willing about, understand, or more likely be on my guard about? Is it worth me considering what sounds like to me a phrase "for see" which in my mind has become derived from the word "forced" is it worth me now wondering if my instincts are connecting to a fortelling of many more red flags to come years down the road before I can even see them? This has been such an important lesson for me to get because I have not been able to conduct my life without identifying as the abused as much as I would like not to be identified that way.  It has been my truth just as I can indentify with the truth or fact that hurt people do hurt other people inadvertantly, unwittingly, unintentionally in the negoitation from abuse within the journey of rebuilding their instincts from the effects of an abusers, abuses. 

Hurt People do hurt other people directly, and intentionally due to the inability, a natural need or otherwise to only gravitate toward the enjoyment of inflicting painful abuse, restriction, even defammations about someone who may not even be aware what that or those abusers are capable of, or what an abusers true intentions are? Or What an abusers intentions are infected with or by? 

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When all not said or done

You are left with you and you alone

That can send some people into absolute terror of being alone, and forcing false connections and attractions with others. Within that suppose you have the type of brain which  does not allow you to ask yourself questions or self-reflect? Suppose your brain cannot question your actions toward others before it is too late? Can you or have you ever recognised that on your own about yourself?  Suppose your brain or your intentions toward others only leaves you clear about what you want or will get from others? Now, suppose that constantly leaves you stuck in a pattern of being rejected? Suppose nothing ever causes you or anyone inward reflection or improved self learning about the person they are which may mean that person can only copy and paste what others say with little of them in anything the say or do? What can cause that in someone and can it be healed, fixed, repaired, and recovered from? What is really going on with people who appear not to be able to be alone years of jealous attacks on others, or on themselves? How deep and manipulative can jealously, revenge and possessive obsessiveness really be? The disguises of each I can tell you are endless!

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Sparking up a good healing excavating internal form of self questioning which can lead to developing a good internal conversation which will leave you better off, and able to break bad habits enabling you to move on to a better way of being, seeing, understanding, and deciding is not easy and can include alot of different factors: your health, your diet, your ability to excercise aka change your mood and your body possibly at the same aka which helps clear and  heal your heart and mind is all inclusive. Knowledge of previous injury and damage accidents or otherwise are all part of being able to heal, and self-heal effectively.

Studying at Amen University and the work of Amen Clinics teaches and I am quoting: Mental Health is also Brain Health  quoted from  The End of Mental Illness by Dr Daniel G Amen MD  podcasts and other media works just amazing quote which in real terms means that the stigma about mental health can be over! I must admit my temptation is to say: the stigma is over and will be over. But for the facts please click on all the links above!

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Overall, what am i getting at, and have I become lost and overwhelmed in blog? 

No, not quite. 

Its about day 4 of being home off work sick  taking more steriods than normal for nasal polyps which previous to operations had been living, swilling and swirling it feels like in the region of my forhead close enough to me brain.

Thankfully. I am continuing to respond well enough to treatment and rest. The pressure on the front of my head, and my head in general feels less, as the steriods work at reducing and removing polyps. My thoughts are apoearing clearer. Though physically I am still slow on the uptake, i have not been able to get up and do what I really want to do,  my home feels infected by an energy I cannot get rid of. My confidence is still a bit a drift.

My One Page Miracles though have began to uncover a clearer willingness to fight back effectively even in areas where I have for years felt completely helpless. In fact, helpless is beyond an understatment.Though I have been blessed to have never gotten used to, not for too long any persistant pattern of abuses without speaking up about it!

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Truth be known even as a singer/songwriter, poet, writer, blogger, expressionist, painter, artist, performer of sorts, I still have those moments when I feel like how do I say this ir that? Or feel like i cannot  fully call a thing out, an abuse out exactly for what it is, or the abuser out for exactly who or what they doing, and that hurts still to this day more than I can express despite all I have written about it all, and all the years it has taken for me to keep writing about it all! So, it is a constant internal question how do I begin to have that conversation that will realky get this thing I feel excavated? The truth is sometimes when it is a big struggle you and your brain may need more help than written works.  However, believe you me that conversation can be sprung out and be started out of nowhere by anything, and I mean literally anything or anyone..you may not even recognise the onset!

I found myself having this big ole argument with my brain asking about why the government cannot live independant of needing taxes? What the bloody hell is that about? I got so jarred by the thought and history behind it all as well, and I am not remotely poltical i feel it is area of life and reality I find difficult to wrap my head around. But seriously, as l recognised the experience I was having it reminded me of someone I once knew who said something to the effect of I never like to give anything to anyone without first keeping some back for myself too! Have I been giving far foo much of mysf away? Hmmm!

A conversation with yourself can be started by events which may affect you externally or in private. But suppose you do not know or understand how to ask that all important question? It is not imposdible to start learning by just writing about yourself, where you are and how that makes you feel and at time pop in a question mark possibly where a full stop or comma would normally be...that might work?

I must just take a moment to acknowledge not everyone can write things down due to ability or resources. In all my works about self-healing through writing, I never meant to exclude anyone at all. I will take this opportunity to apologise to anyone I have offended as a result. There was no intention to be inconsiderate at all, and I will be honest I do not have all the answers for everyone...and this is where it gets difficult to move on. Just like being in a room or situation that can leave you feeling excluded even whilst being invited in.

I do not know if you could see or feel what just happened to me negotiating the realisation that I may have unintentionally excluded others.

Many years before I learnt how to self-publish my own works including all my challenges. Because my brain function is challenged by writing. That function maybe affected by the pressure of nasal polyps which have sat close to my brain, and other underlying causes. I would return home from "gatherings" and despite being around my soul sisters so to speak at the time, or so I thought or was told. I would still come away feeling less than a 100%, suspicious, and feeling like something was off, and at times in fear for my future, believe or not. Sometimes, I would be able to voice to me anyone directly, at other times that sometimes meant there were heated debates, or even arguments, and i will still need to write to myself about the way I behaved, or felt others behaved, however, i never always knew how to include how I wanted to be treated. I only realise that now. 

Even though, I made decisions to get up and get away from siutation and people that were not good for me. Patterns of abuses never fully changed to the extent or degree I wanted them too, partly because of my own toxic patterns. Despite different settings certain things never cleared up. My instincts felt bashed in but were still working but without clear perception. Therefore, I was unable to avoid not bad friendships and relationshios that devasted me, and would not let me go. Possibly due  to when inhindsight I realised, someone I thought I was just meeting for the first time, was in fact someone who had prior knowledge of me. Hindsight memories which make me realise that someone out of my sight was pointing me out to someone who would go on to cause lasting heartbreaking effects in my life. Of course all of this plunge me into the deepest parts of myself, and today leaves me marvelling at how I ever have managed to wrangle myself free, and move on.

My core belief system and values have always been based on life being good, and there is always opportunity in everything, and I have experienced and being part of opportunism negativwly in my youth, and more positvely, in my advancing years!

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So, How do you deal with the Relentless Internal Questions or Conversations if you are the Abused still Under an Abuser?

As and when possibly try not to allow whatever has caused the abuse or situation to build within you until it causes you harm, or harm to others.

Check in with experiences, try to remember any injury or condition which you may not realise is inhibiting your growth. It maybe the slightest thing you do not fully realise, or a significance like me and my polyps which you may have inadvertantly let slip by the way side. Your Brain is all important always has been always will be. Taking care of your brain is a life long learning event!

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So, how do I feel at the end of writing this blog?

A lot clearer feels a bit lost in translations.

As a matter of course can you see my reflections or inflections?

The experience of having time off from going out of the home to work has had a big effect on me. Having a polyp blow up in  my right nostril reminded me of all my initial concerns. All of which I nearly forgot. I have been struggling to get motivated, has my motivation been under pressure from my polyps? There is more to it than that. I will begin researching it all again. At the moment I am including questioning for the purposes of feeling free.  To begin full on resesrch for me requires a whole different level of energy as I am in outflow mode.

I was at my witsend as to what I could do next to make my brain work right...without enough time or budget whilst trying withstand being attacked by being forced to sleep when I was not even feeling sleepy. I ended up taking Guarana supplements and Purdy's Energy Drinks to keep myself awake as I was attacked  as I was work driving at night this is after years of being able to live without any stimulants, which remains important for me to do!

However, I noticed a marked difference between what I was taking BrainMD Brain Boost on the Go. Which had helped me low function had a much different effect than the Guarana which felt like it held my head up tight. Yet immediately upon taking Brain Boost i felt my head completely release whilst still feeling picked up. I also felt chilled out and I felt lighter less tension than with full on natural caffine. But had also felt the guarana held up the left side of my head/brain more. Where the boost was more general. I had little of the boost in supply, had felt so good after several treatments had not been taking any boost. Had problens getting shipping quotes at one point time from BrainMD don't know if that was just browser problems. Had gone to other suppliers only to find the powder satchets never kept fresh and hardened over time, which was really weird because that never happened when ordered direct from maker!

Now, it is not impossible that there would have been enough pressure building from the polyps to knock me out/make me feel drowsy and sleepy that does hapoen. However, I feel I had been under worst pressure prior to operations and that did not occur. Post operations my airways have thankfully remained very clear for many years.

Eventually, on my way into work. I began observing a sensation. A contact of energy. I would have just enough time to observe the behaviour of the other drivers a gang of drivers around me. They made sure I could see them play out head dunking dropping toward steering wheel type movements. At the time I had no idea why anyone was behaving like that toward me. Then, only to find later on that night during my  shift the head dunking movements, the same thing was happening to me. Or years later the same thing was happening to me! Absolute shock, horror, and heartbreak! Because such tack ticks when used as such are not explained to you as such. It would be hard to know whether you or someone else was being set up or had been used abused and set up as it were for something so dangerous to occur, or that you or someone else was unintentionally, or unwittingly being dragged into a wider scheme of something or someone not so good with ill intentions!

 Sadly, there are entertaining magicians, underground hypnotist do exist who may enjoy doing things to people in ordinary circumstance which are generally reserved for a film or tv set without the target even knowing they are being attacked! Unfornately, cannot confirm that is the case but the methods used look very similar!

Now that is what I mean about hours and years of my life spent devising ways to heal and survive when I cannot fully call a thing truthfully a thing or the correct abuse the exact abuse etc. For a number of reasons the negotiaring is a mindfield. Going to leave the subject matter. I have edited to the best of my ability. 

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Hope you have enjoyed my blog!

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Thank you so much for reading!

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Much Appreciated

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Many Thanks

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Natural Flowism

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A Freedom of Being!

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